The Gift of Conflict

One of the greatest gifts we can give our child is teaching them how to deal with conflict constructively…because they will encounter it for the rest… of… their… life.  How they handle conflict can make or break them, and the earlier they learn, the better.  It begins with our example as parents…ouch!  At the core of this is how we handle anger and fear.  It’s about how we communicate…under pressure.  Here are some thoughts on healthy conflict:

1)    Conflict can be good (a learning experience, grow closer to the other person, etc)

2)    First, diffuse high-strung emotions, so everyone is as calm as possible before talking about the issue.  If need be, take some time to cool down.

3)    Let each person have a turn to state the facts (as calmly as possible) as they understand them; try and get an agreement from everyone of what happened

4)    Don’t allow finger-pointing, name-calling, putting down each other, etc.

5)    Let each person share how they feel (“she hurt me”, or “it’s not fair”, etc)

6)    Have the offender ask forgiveness (it may include both parties and multiple offenses).  Pray and ask God’s forgiveness.

7)    Be at peace (hug)

The goal in conflict is to hear each other’s side of the story, and try to come to resolution for both.  We all have such a strong desire to be heard and understood.  When the kids start acting up, it’s tempting to “not hear” conflict because it takes a lot of energy to go through this process again and again....and again...  But it helps bring peace and unity, and build healthy patterns of working through conflict. So don’t run away from it.  Face it head on, go through it with Jesus’ help, and come out the other side a more compassionate and understanding person. 

We had a particularly intense case of “conflict” one year, when one of our younger daughters was in junior high, and an older one was in high school.  I was ready to pull my hair out!  It seemed that everything I tried did not have any affect.  And they were very frustrated as well.  Emotions escalated quickly and intensely.  Finally, I called a wise woman at my church, older than me.  I also went to a workshop on sibling rivalry.  Both gave great advice:

1) When you see conflict coming, try to head it off at the pass before it blows out of proportion—with distractions, humor, etc.  Help them reach a calm enough place to talk with one another, and each share their point of view. 

2) Emphasize how they are sisters and God meant for them to love each other, and to get along.  One day they’ll be adults, and when mom and dad aren’t around anymore, they need to get along. 

“If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men.”  Romans 12:18

In Praise of Moms

This is a HUGE SHOUT-OUT to all moms, wherever you are...whether you’re married or a single mom, young or old, with one child or ten!  You have one of the most demanding and difficult jobs---that of providing for, loving, nurturing, teaching, training, and molding the next generation.  Some of you are balancing motherhood with a job (or two), children’s activities, household demands, extended family, social life, in addition to your marriage.  Thank God for His limitless resources and energy, guiding you and giving you strength for each day.  Nothing is too difficult for Him!

A SHOUT-OUT to you for your sacrifice and investment in your child’s life.  You are their hero.  Even if they don’t know it....yet.

A shout-out to Moms everywhere!!

Hi, Mom!  I love you!

"The woman to be admired and praised is the woman who lives in the fear-of-God."  Proverbs 31:30

Getting Un-Stuck (part 3 of 3): Follow the Leader

Getting un-stuck involves layers of revealing and healing.  Getting un-stuck depends on how I perceive my situation ...am I looking at it from my point of view, or God’s point of view?  Am I moving toward a hopeful attitude?

Another aspect of getting un-stuck is to “follow the Leader”, like the game we play as children.  Our Father in heaven is the Leader, and as we imitate Him, change is possible.  Through the Bible, God teaches us.  He shows us where we’re going wrong and how to correct it, and He trains us and equips us for every good work we do.

“All scripture is inspired by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, for training in righteousness; that the man of God may be adequate, equipped for every good work.”  II Timothy 3:16-17

What’s the process?

Read the Bible, talk with God.  When He shows you what to change, do it.  Take off the old, and put on the new.  Think of the new as a stylish outfit.  Take off the drab, old clothes, and put on stylin’ clothes...the clothes of new life! 

Here are some examples of how to change:

^“22 that, in reference to your former manner of life, you lay aside the old self, which is being corrupted in accordance with the lusts of deceit, ²³ and that you be renewed in the spirit of your mind, ²⁴ and put on the new self, which in the likeness of God has been created in righteousness and holiness of the truth.

²⁵ Therefore, laying aside falsehood, speak truth each one of you with his neighbor, for we are members of one another. ²⁶ Be angry, and yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, ²⁷ and do not give the devil an opportunity. ²⁸ He who steals must steal no longer; but rather he must labor, performing with his own hands what is good, so that he will have something to share with one who has need. ²⁹ Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, so that it will give grace to those who hear. ³⁰ Do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. ³¹ Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. ³² Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.”  Ephesians 4:22-32

You can do it!  You're set FREE!

Getting Un-Stuck (part 2): What Do You See?

I remember the day I got contact lenses.  I was in high school at the time.  As I drove home from the optometrist’s office, wearing the lenses, I distinctly remember seeing individual leaves on the trees.  I was in awe!  They were beautiful!!  In fact, everything I saw was crystal clear!  I saw the whiskers on my cat, bugs in the garden, and I could recognize people across the room—with their facial expressions!  That night, when I looked up into the night sky, I noticed individual stars for the first time in a long time.  What a difference my new lenses made...not only in what I saw, but I also found myself more excited about life!  I felt like a new person, looking forward to what I would discover next.

There are times in our life when we get clobbered with uninvited circumstances.  Bad things happen.  We start to worry, be fearful, get angry, or all of the above.  As we react negatively to these situations over and over, our thoughts become false beliefs (lies), i.e., “I always have bad luck”, “God is against me”, etc.  When we believe and act out on these beliefs, our mind reinforces the negative things we say, our feelings get out of control, and we start spiraling down into a pit.  How can we break the cycle of negative thoughts, beliefs, feelings and actions?

Start at the beginning...by looking at the circumstance with new lenses...from God’s perspective—what He sees.  We need to tell ourselves the truth.  Read what God says about us—how much He loves us, He never leaves us, He gives us strength, courage and wisdom...  Give Him our worry, fear, disappointment, anger, etc.  Imagine how God can take our situation and make something good out of it.  If we can’t “see” the good now, believe that it will happen.  And then our feelings will start to change, and our actions reflect that.  We will find hope in God and climb out of the pit.

On our own we walk around with fuzzy vision, and don’t even realize it.  We think it’s normal.  That we’re doing okay.  But when we get hit upside the head, that’s the time to put on God’s specs and see what He sees...in us, in our situation, in the hope He has for our future.  His scriptures always give clarity.  Hope.  New life. Even excitement.  And others will notice and trust in the Lord!

Psalm 40:1-3

“I waited patiently for the Lord;
And He inclined to me and heard my cry.
He brought me up out of the pit of destruction, out of the miry clay,
And He set my feet upon a rock making my footsteps firm.
He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God;
Many will see and fear
And will trust in the Lord.”

Getting Un-Stuck (part 1): Develop a Hopeful Attitude

          I remember when the girls were in elementary school—somewhere around 1^st grade up through the indomitable  junior high years.  One day, I just couldn’t handle it anymore.  I felt like I was going crazy.  I distinctly remember feeling like I was stuck on a merry-go-round—and it wasn’t fun.  It felt like I was going ‘round and ‘round, faster and faster, and I couldn’t get off...no matter how hard I tried.  That merry-go-round had piles of “things to do” on it with tentacles that bound me.  I felt stuck...that nothing could change.  It affected everything.  There were no answers.  No one understood.  And I couldn’t do anything about it. 

            The truth was...there were answers.  Being stuck is not really affecting e-v-e-r-y-thing, just specific things.  And even if no person understood me, God did.  And He had answers.  Hope.  Change was possible.  I could do something about it.

            When I stopped to think about the factors that made up this merry-go-round ride, I listed them out, one by one, naming them.  Then I took each culprit, one at a time, and dissected why I was “stuck” at each point.  Focusing on one thing at a time made me feel like I could tackle it—without being overwhelmed.  It also made me notice that not EVERYTHING is on this merry-go-round.

            Then I realized that these factors are not permanent.  Some may be here for a day or so, some for a week or a month, and some maybe for a year or more.  But they won’t be around forever!

            And, change IS possible.  Pray about it.  Ask God how you can change your situation. Even if you can’t change the actual circumstances, you can change your attitude toward them.  Put on a different perspective that says, “I won’t be in this forever, it’s just for now.  I can make the best of it by looking for the good and being grateful for what I can.”  And ask God what you can learn from it.

            My merry-go-round eventually slowed down, and I was able to re-focus and re-energize.  I no longer felt “stuck” in a dizzying cycle of spinning around and around.  Thankfully, life usually comes to us in seasons, just like the weather.  So if you’re feeling stuck right now, just wait and pretty soon you’ll get un-stuck.  Then enjoy it while it lasts!

Learning--an act of worship

Have you ever thought of education as an act of worship?  God cares what we learn and put into our minds.  He definitely cares what we teach our children, and what we allow to enter their minds.  There’s a children’s song that goes, “Oh be careful little eyes what you see, Oh be careful little eyes what you see, For the Father up above is looking down in love, Oh be careful little eyes what you see.”  Verse 2 says, “Oh be careful little ears what you hear...” and so on.  The thoughts we dwell on affect our mind, which affect our emotions, which affect our actions.  Learning, or education, is more than facts.  It gives us a perspective on life, even from a very young age.

What would you say is the most important thing for your child to learn?  I would answer that with “learning about God”.  How easy it is to teach our children about God—through His very own creation.   When we look at ourselves as being made in God’s image, we learn about Him, ourselves, and humanity. 

Creation brings awe, wonder and worship.  The universe invites us to know God.  The more we know about creation, the more we learn about Him.  When we meet Him, our core is changed and we see life differently because He is Life.

Early scientists sought God through creation.  The foundations of science are in creation.  How can we teach our children about God through creation?

1)  Look at creation (universe, earth’s water, land, animals, plants...).  Observe it.

2)  Understand and appreciate the intricacies, patterns, etc.

3)  Look for how creation explains God

4)  Look for things in creation that are in the Bible

5)  Pursue knowledge of God through creation in every day life

There’s a lot of information in this day and age.  It can be overwhelming to figure out what school to put your child in, or what to teach them.  Start...and continue...with how creation describes God.  It will be a daily reminder for you as well!

(bold verses are from me)

Psalm 111

Praise the Lord!
I will give thanks to the Lord with all my heart,
In the company of the upright and in the assembly.
² Great are the works of the Lord;
They are studied by all who delight in them.
³Splendid and majestic is His work,
And His righteousness endures forever.
⁴ He has made His wonders to be remembered;
The Lord is gracious and compassionate.
⁵ He has given food to those who fear Him;
He will remember His covenant forever.
⁶ He has made known to His people the power of His works,
In giving them the heritage of the nations.

⁷ The works of His hands are truth and justice;
All His precepts are sure.
⁸ They are upheld forever and ever;
They are performed in truth and uprightness.
⁹ He has sent redemption to His people;
He has ordained His covenant forever;
Holy and awesome is His name.
¹⁰ The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom;
A good understanding have all those who do His commandments;
His praise endures forever.

Proverbs 25:2

...the glory of kings is to search out a matter.

Pressure Cooker

Have you ever seen a pressure cooker?  I saw my grandma use one when I was growing up.  It actually scared me because steam would shoot out the lid, and the top knob would noisily shake and rattle.  Sometimes it would even whistle!

There are days when, as a mom, I felt just like that pot!  Pressure was growing inside, minute by minute, until it felt like steam would shoot out my ears!  If there were a “pressure-o-meter” attached to you, what would it register? Low-grade? Simmering? Boiling? Exploding?  

Matt 6:34 says, “Each day has enough trouble of its own.”  Since “trouble” is expected on a daily basis, let’s figure out some ways of coping with these pressures, even if it's just for 5 minutes.

1)  Count to 10...slowly.

2)  Take a mental vacation.  Dream of someplace beautiful you've been to, or would like to visit.

3)  Take a break.

4)  Do something you enjoy. 

5)  Talk with a friend.

6)  Rest.  Sleep.

7)  Take your kids to a park, or a fun place.

8)  Read a magazine.

9)  Watch something funny. 

10) Listen to music you like.

11) Meditate. Pray.

12) Take a walk. Exercise.

The Apostle Paul had his own pressures.  He heard God tell him, “My grace is enough; it’s all you need. My strength comes into its own in your weakness.” (II Cor 12:9, The Message)

Paul said that he would rather boast about his troubles, so that the power of Christ would live in him.  The only way he could get through the day was by focusing on Jesus, and letting His strength over-shadow his troubles.

So the next time you feel the pressure rising, remember God’s grace can bring your pressure down.  When you feel like you can’t go on anymore, or you feel weak, God’s power is right there, being perfected in you.  Talk to Him.  Tell Him what you’re feeling, and ask for His grace to pour over you.  Relax in Him, and let your “pressure-o-meter” take a nose-dive!