A Change In Me

What a delight it was to raise our four daughters...most of the time!    It’s amazing that they all four came from Dave and I, the same mom and dad, yet they are so different from each other—in their personality, preferences, perspectives, etc.  The trap I found myself in was believing that they were seeing life just like I was.

I remember I was helping our 9 year-old daughter, with her homework.  I would read the question, and she would give the answer.  Then came an "aha!" moment for me.  I read the question.  She gave the "wrong" answer, or at least the "expected" answer from the book's perspective .  It was then I realized that she interpreted the question differently.  She heard and understood it from a different point of view.  It dawned on me that her answer made total sense.  I had to think outside of my box, to understand her totally valid perspective.

How can it be that even though I taught our daughters about life, they each had their own unique perspective?  And the way they saw things was not necessarily "wrong"--just different.  I found that I was “correcting” them because they were not doing things "my way".  Then I realized the issue was not about doing something wrong.  It was about me wanting to be in control...about things that really didn’t matter in the big picture.  My girls were acting out of their personality and perspective, which was different from mine.  I had a whole lot of learning to do once I realized that.  It was humbling, and difficult.  It was s-t-r-e-t-c-h-i-n-g.  Once I learned this, I found myself tuning in more to their way of communicating.  As I was pliable, my daughter’s and I grew closer.  I understood them more by seeing things from their perspective.  And, it brought more calm to our relationship.  Yes, God uses our children to teach us and change us.

Temper Tantrums

Have you ever seen an adult throw a temper tantrum?  It’s not pretty.  We call it fancy names like, “I was supposed to get that,” or “I really wanted it,” or “I deserved that, but didn’t get it!”  It’s anger on steroids.  We’ve all been there, done that.  And, hopefully moved on to maturity!

What’s a mom to do when her child has a temper tantrum? —especially in public?  --when emotional intensity has peaked out, and mom’s emotions may not be far behind? Here are some things I tried at these tenuous moments:

1)   Decide that temper tantrums are not allowed.  If you’re child is old enough to understand, tell him/her that “our family does not do this”.

2)   Before your child’s emotions reach this intensity, try and calm them down.  Be calm yourself, first!  Take a 5-minute time-out to calm down.

3)   Try to avoid and steer away from things that trigger their/your emotions.

4)   If you know something is going to happen that might upset them, prepare them in advance.  Have something they can look forward to.  “Daddy is going to leave for work in a few minutes.  Let’s give him a hug and thank him for working so hard.  Then we’ll wave goodbye and have some breakfast.”

5)   Provide an alternative to what is causing them to move toward getting out of control...a distraction, a different activity, a change in the conversation, etc.
6)  Help your child find other (constructive) ways of expressing their emotions.

7)   There will be times that discipline needs to enter the picture for them to change their attitude and behavior (most of the time)! 

Helping your child learn to control their emotions will not only bring peace to them, but also to the family!  As they grow older, discover what works for the season that they are in.  Also, some children are more emotional than others, and will be more challenging.  The upside is, they can be very affectionate and loving.  As you continue to learn what makes them tick, be a step ahead of their thinking, and help guide them into what is good and best for them.

On those days when nothing seems to be working, I whisper, “God, just help me get through this,” and pray that tomorrow is a better day!