One of the greatest gifts we
can give our child is teaching them how to deal with conflict constructively…because
they will encounter it for the rest… of… their… life. How they handle conflict can make or break them, and the
earlier they learn, the better. It
begins with our example as parents…ouch!
At the core of this is how we handle anger and fear. It’s about how we communicate…under
pressure. Here are some thoughts
on healthy conflict:
1)
Conflict can be
good (a learning experience, grow closer to the other person, etc)
2)
First, diffuse
high-strung emotions, so everyone is as calm as possible before talking about
the issue. If need be, take some
time to cool down.
3)
Let each person
have a turn to state the facts (as calmly as possible) as they understand them;
try and get an agreement from everyone of what happened
4)
Don’t allow
finger-pointing, name-calling, putting down each other, etc.
5)
Let each person
share how they feel (“she hurt me”, or “it’s not fair”, etc)
6)
Have the
offender ask forgiveness (it may include both parties and multiple
offenses). Pray and ask God’s
forgiveness.
7)
Be at peace
(hug)
The goal in conflict is to hear
each other’s side of the story, and try to come to resolution for both. We all have such a strong desire to be
heard and understood. When the
kids start acting up, it’s tempting to “not hear” conflict because it takes a
lot of energy to go through this process again and again....and again... But it helps bring peace and unity, and
build healthy patterns of working through conflict. So don’t run away from it. Face it head on, go through it with
Jesus’ help, and come out the other side a more compassionate and understanding
person.
We had a particularly
intense case of “conflict” one year, when one of our younger daughters was in
junior high, and an older one was in high school. I was ready to pull my hair out! It seemed that everything I tried did not have any affect. And they were very frustrated as
well. Emotions escalated quickly
and intensely. Finally, I called a
wise woman at my church, older than me.
I also went to a workshop on sibling rivalry. Both gave great advice:
1) When you see conflict
coming, try to head it off at the pass before it blows out of proportion—with
distractions, humor, etc. Help
them reach a calm enough place to talk with one another, and each share their
point of view.
2) Emphasize how they are
sisters and God meant for them to love each other, and to get along. One day they’ll be adults, and when mom
and dad aren’t around anymore, they need to get along.
“If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at
peace with all men.” Romans 12:18
